For an adult, a voyage means a contract, dates, a route and a salary. For a child, it means months when dad or mum is “somewhere out there” and there is an empty chair at the dinner table. Seafarers’ children grow up in a rhythm other families don’t know: reunion, a few months together, goodbye, a long separation. That rhythm doesn’t have to be traumatic — it can become understandable and even safe, if we talk to the child the right way.

This article covers how to prepare a child for a voyage according to their age, which rituals help keep the bond, what to do when there is no connection, and how not to lose closeness in the first days after coming home.

Why a voyage is a special experience for a child

An ordinary business trip lasts a few days. A voyage lasts four to nine months, sometimes longer. For a child, that is a huge stretch of life: in half a year, a three-year-old lives through a sixth of everything they remember.

On top of that come circumstances Ukrainian seafaring families face in particular:

• Uncertain dates. A contract can be extended, the vessel delayed in port, the homecoming postponed.
• Unstable connection. A video call today, then a week of silence because the ship is in open sea.
• War at home. Children sense adults’ anxiety even when nothing is explained to them.
• Double load on the parent at home. The mum or dad who stays with the children is effectively raising them alone.

It is no coincidence that almost half (46.9%) of everyone who turned to the Stella Maris psychological support programme in 2025 were members of seafarers’ families. Separation is an experience for the whole family, not only for the person at sea.

How children experience separation: what is normal at different ages

Children’s reactions to a parent leaving depend on their age. Knowing what is normal helps adults avoid panicking over ordinary things and notice the real warning signs in time.

Under 3

A toddler doesn’t yet understand time or explanations, but clearly senses changes in the household rhythm and in the mood of the adult nearby.

• What you may see: more crying, clinging to mum, poorer sleep, temporary loss of skills already learned.
• What helps: a stable daily routine, calm in the caregiver, photos and the parent’s voice heard at home regularly.

3–6 years

Preschoolers think magically: they may believe dad left because they behaved badly.

• What you may see: tantrums, aggression, bedtime fears, asking “will he come back?” several times a day.
• What helps: simple and honest explanations, a visual countdown calendar, reassurance: “Dad went to work. It’s not because of you.”

7–12 years

School-age children already understand where the sea is and what a contract is — and that is exactly why they may worry concretely: about storms, pirates, war.

• What you may see: anxious questions, falling grades, refusing to talk about dad or, on the contrary, talking about him all the time.
• What helps: a route map, stories about life on board, permission to ask any question and get truthful answers.

Teenagers

A teenager may show indifference — “so he left, so what” — while feeling sad or angry inside.

• What you may see: withdrawal, conflict with the parent at home, trying to “replace” the absent adult or ignoring them completely.
• What helps: a separate, “grown-up” channel of communication with the parent at sea, respect for personal boundaries, no pressure like “you’re the man of the house now.”

How to tell a child about the voyage: 5 rules

The worst thing you can do is “quietly disappear” to avoid tears. A child who wakes up and can’t find dad learns that loved ones can vanish without warning. A prepared goodbye is far better.

1. Tell them in advance, but not too early. A few days is enough for preschoolers, a week or two for schoolchildren; teenagers can be told as soon as the contract is known.
2. Use the child’s language. “Dad will be steering a big ship that carries grain to people in other countries” is clearer than “he has a contract on a bulk carrier.”
3. Don’t promise what you can’t guarantee. Instead of “I’ll be back for your birthday” — “I’ll try very hard, and if I can’t, we’ll celebrate as soon as I’m home.”
4. Let the child be sad. Tears before a separation are a normal reaction, not “bad behaviour.” It’s enough to say: “I see you’re sad. So am I.”
5. Show what happens next. Who will take them to kindergarten, when the first call will be, how you’ll count the days. Predictability eases anxiety better than any reassurance.

Rituals that keep the bond while a parent is at sea

A bond with a child at a distance rests not on how often you call, but on the feeling that “dad is thinking about me.” Here are ideas that work well in seafaring families.

• A route map. A big map on the wall where the child marks the ports the ship has visited. The voyage becomes an adventure rather than an emptiness.
• A paper chain calendar. One link is torn off every day. For small children this is the clearest way to “see” time.
• A story in dad’s voice. Before the voyage, record a few bedtime stories. The child can listen to them even when there is no connection.
• A shared book at a distance. Parent and child read the same book and discuss chapters during calls — especially good for ages 8–12.
• A treasure box. The parent leaves envelopes at home: “open on day 30”, “open when you’re sad”, “open on your birthday.”
• Photo of the day. The parent sends one photo from the ship — a sunrise, a seagull, a port — and the child replies with a photo of their own day.

We covered the technical side of staying in touch in the article How to Keep in Touch with Your Family During a Long Absence. The key point here is different: a ritual should be regular and realistic. A short voice message every day is better than a promised “big call” that keeps falling through.

When there is no connection: how to explain the silence

There are periods when the ship has no internet for a week or two. For a child this can become a source of anxiety, especially in wartime, when the adults at home are worried themselves.

• Warn in advance. “Next week dad will be far out in the ocean, there’s no internet there. That’s normal, it happens.”
• Keep your own anxiety away from the child. Discuss news and worries with adults, not in front of the children.
• Give the child something to do. Draw a picture for dad, record a video “for later,” write a letter. Action reduces helplessness.
• Answer honestly, but in measured doses. If a child asks about danger, don’t deny it completely, but emphasise: “The ship has a captain, a crew and safety rules. They look after each other.”

Coming home: the child “doesn’t recognise” you — and that’s normal

Many seafarers describe a painful moment: the long-awaited reunion, and the child hides behind mum or keeps their distance. This doesn’t mean the child has stopped loving you. They need time to get used to you again.

• Don’t demand hugs and kisses right away. Let the child come to you.
• Start with doing something together. A game, a walk, a favourite activity — contact is rebuilt through action, not through “so tell me how you’ve been.”
• Don’t change the rules that applied while you were away. If mum set a bedtime or screen limits, support them. Otherwise the child gets mixed signals and your partner feels undermined.
• Return to your role gradually. Parental authority comes back with trust, not on day one.

More on how the whole family can adapt — in How to Prepare for Returning Home After a Long Voyage.

What is better not to say to a child

Some phrases sound familiar but leave a heavy mark on a child:

• “Don’t cry, be strong.” The child learns that sadness is shameful and must be hidden.
• “You’re the head of the house now.” This is an adult burden a child cannot carry.
• “Dad left because we need money.” It sounds like a reproach, as if the child were to blame for the departure.
• “If you misbehave, dad won’t come back.” Separation turns into a punishment rather than work.
• “He called you, so why are you sad?” It dismisses feelings and teaches the child to hide them.

When to seek professional help

Sadness and temporary behaviour changes after a parent leaves are normal. But some signs mean the child (and the family as a whole) needs professional support:

• behaviour changes last more than 3–4 weeks and don’t ease;
• the child keeps talking about fear that dad will die, or avoids the topic completely;
• sleep, appetite or school performance have sharply worsened;
• new aggression towards themselves or others has appeared;
• the adult at home feels they can no longer cope.

For the child, consult a child psychologist. For the adult family members — both the one at sea and the one at home — the free Stella Maris psychological support programme can help. A steady adult nearby is the best support a child can have.

“The sessions were a lifesaver. It helped me process stuff I didn’t even realize I was holding onto.” — Lilly, sister of a seafarer, programme participant

Frequently asked questions

At what age does a child start to understand that dad is at sea?

From around 3–4 years old, a child can grasp that dad is far away and will come back. Before that, they react not to explanations but to changes in the household rhythm and in adults’ mood — so for toddlers, a stable routine and a calm adult nearby matter most.

Do I need to call my child every day from the ship?

Not necessarily. Regularity matters more than frequency. A short voice message every day at the same time gives more sense of stability than irregular long calls.

What if my child refuses to talk to dad on video?

Don’t force it. Sometimes it hurts children to see a parent on screen and not be able to hug them. Try other formats: voice messages, photos, drawings, online games together. The interest will come back.

Can a seafarer’s family members get psychological support?

Yes. The Stella Maris psychological support programme is open not only to seafarers but also to their families — spouses, parents, brothers and sisters.

Free psychological support for seafarers’ families

The “People of the Sea” programme by the charitable organisation Apostleship of the Sea Stella Maris Ukraine helps seafarers, fishers, port workers, cadets and their families through difficult times.

• 9 free individual sessions with a psychologist;
• online — from home, from port or from on board;
• you choose your psychologist from the programme team;
• convenient times, taking time zones into account;
• full confidentiality.

Leave a request on the Psychological Support page — our administrator will contact you and help you get started.

This article is for information only and does not replace an individual consultation with a specialist.